“Don’t stress . . . live long”

When we first came to Panama my banker in David advised me, “Don’t stress . . . live long!” It’s something most Panamanians are frustratingly good at, and most gringos chafe at the very idea. But, if you are not going to blow a gasket in Panama, you’ve got to get used to the idea . . . particularly now that the holidays are upon us . . . holidays of various sorts that began this week and will continue until Easter. Don Winner of www.Panama-guide.com has been here a whole lot longer than I have, and he has a way with words about these kinds of things . . .

Ah yes, it’s now just about the “most wonderful time of the year” in Panama. It rains like hell in November which then turns into the Panamanian Summer (dry season) – and during these months nobody wants to work – at all. The holiday season officially starts next week, and now you won’t be able to get a damn thing done in this country until after “Semana Santa” (Holy Week) – Easter will be on Sunday 4 April 2010 next year. So mark your calendars accordingly and set your frustration meters to “calm the hell down.” In November the 3rd, 4th, 5th and 28th are all official national holidays to celebrate Panama’s independence from Spain, Colombia, as well as Flag Day. There will be a lot of celebrations and parades, and most importantly – buttloads and buttloads of beer. Mother’s Day is always on the 8th of December, and Mom likes beer (urp). From there we slide right into Christmas, New Year, and lots more beer to celebrate all of that stuff. They typically outlaw sales of beer for Martyr’s Day on 9 January, but it’s still a holiday so stock up and plan accordingly. Carnival in 2010 falls on Monday Feb 15 and “Fat Tuesday” Feb 16. Of course that means you can get anything done from 12 to 17 February. Few gringos know that the expression “Fat Tuesday” actually comes from the Latin “ego imbibo nimium damno beer per carnival quod iam ego sum pinguis” which means “I drank too much damn beer during Carnival and now I’m fat.” The hangover lasts until Holy Week in April. You can expect that anyone who’s supposed to be working will only have one thing on their mind – how can I get paid more money right now so I can buy more beer to drink during (fill in the name of extra long holiday weekend here). They are going to tell you that they have some kind of a problem, their dog blew up, dead grandmother, sick aunt, bad hair day, butt boils – whatever. Just smile, hand over the money, document everything, and set your phasers to “chill.” April is just around the corner, so enjoy the dry season once it starts. Might as well, because you won’t be able to get a damn thing done anyway…

By letting Winner say that it gets me off the hook with my Panamanian friends for saying something like that . . . but it’s true!

My wife send me this forward that I think she got from Dinah, who got it from Susan, who got it from Michael, who received it from Fran . . . you know how this Internet forwarding stuff goes, but I thought it was funny . . .

When the stress starts getting to you, these activities will help you to laugh and maintain your sanity . . . even if everyone else thinks you are nuts!

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something ask them if they want fries with that.

4. At work put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

5. In the momo field of all of your checks, write “For Marijuana”.

6. Skip down the hall rather than walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat with a serious face.

8. At the drive-though specify that your order is “To Go”.

9. Sing along at the opera.

10. Five days in advance tell your friends that you can’t attend their party because you have a headache.

11. When the money comes out of the ATM jump up and scream, “I won! I won!”

12. When leaving the zoo start running toward the parking lot yelling, “Run for your lives! They’re loose!”

13. Tell your children over dinner, “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”

14. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.

OK, I have a warped sense of humor . . . but I’m surviving!